Hi again.
Just thought I should leave a link here of where my fabulous journey continues. As this Blog Site comes to an end…another begins…
Hope to see you there! -Pooks
The End
Hi again.
So now that we supposedly patch things up over the weekend. My supposed man is now creating various social media accounts. Kinda creepy. Considering he’s not all that interested in social media. But I guess he wants to find my last blog post as a reason to get upset again. Even though we’re supposedly on good terms, let’s go find something regarding our past to dwell on and get pissy all over again! So yeah, we’re not 100% okay. Things are still a bit rocky.
Not to mention these sudden new accounts come across as being controlling and possesive. Ya know? Stalk me online to make sure I stay in line or something.
I’m allowed to think. I’m allowed to feel what I feel. And I am allowed to fuckin express it!
So all these new accounts online kinda shows that I am not trusted. Without trust we have nothing. But he says he’s just curious to what I am saying.He probably won’t like what he sees. But hey! As I told others, if you don’t like what you’re reading, and you know it’s about you, then be a positive in my life. Not a negative.
Yes I may use my exes past behavior as a prime example of everything I don’t want. And maybe having alcohol and a baby in the house is triggering some shit. A part of me is terrified things will just repeat itself and I will lose another child to another white man. Even though I AM the sober and drug-free one.
Ya know? Before our daughter was born, I thought I would be okay with this supposed “casual” or “social” drinking thing. But clearly I’m not. It throws me in for a loop of fear, and paranoia.
However, over the weekend, my supposed man didn’t drink, and he spent time with his daughter. After I dumped him of coarse. Then he’ll straighten up. But I guess supposedly, I need to speak up, and not be afraid to ask for help. I shouldn’t have to ask. And what if its not help I need. I just wanted him to spend time with his daughter. He should be willing to take time out of his day for his daughter regardless. His time is more valuable than anything he has to offer, or that his money can buy. She, or anyone for that matter, values moments. Moments create memories. Memories can be cherished and are more meaningful than any material thing.
Perhaps years of being on and off OW taught me that. Poverty taught me that. The Ark and the people I met there taught me that, including the homeless.
So yeah. Thank him for spending time with his daughter this weekend. That was all I wanted. If he has been before, and I just didn’t notice. Sorry. I’m just expressing my perspective, and from what I saw, it was like we were avoided.
As for the constant cleaning, we came to the conclusion that it is his OCD.So yeah, if I don’t speak up, he will just continue to constantly clean because it is never ending. I mean, the sink will just refill with dishes, laundry will just re-pile. Makes sense. Since before our daughter was even born, the only way I could get his attention away from housework, was sex. And look what happened. We now have a daughter, and it’s not like our daughter can do the same to distract him for time. So yeah, the chores can wait sometimes. Or as he displayed this weekend, he can do chores and spend time with our daughter at the same time. Ya know? It is possible. He had put her swing in the kitchen, and as he did chores, she sat on her swing and watched him. Maybe one day, she’ll woddle over and try to help. Lol
Anyways, apparently a rehabilitation Centre from Toronto called him at work today…They talked and say he doesn’t have a drinking problem…That’s reassurring. However when we were arguing about it, he’ll sure defend that shit. And when I told him that I wanted alcohol out for good, what did he do? He stormed out of the room. That really upset him.
But he did come back and say that he wouldn’t be able to afford alcohol anyways if we move to this new place together. It would be like a fresh start. So I am giving him another chance.
However, if we end up arguing about alcohol there. That’s it. I’ll put a stop to it quick and leave with our daughter. She doesn’t need to be in the middle of that. Nor do my other 2 children. So yeah, he’s been warned.
As for his older sister. She just made it awkward for herself the next time we come face to face, because now I know how she really feels about me and my man and I’s daughter. Saying she’s not his. Or “doesn’t even look like him”. So she thinks I’m a slut or something eh?! HA! Let’s see if she can say it to my face next time. If you ask me, she’s the stupid one to think my man wouldn’t tell me. Smh.
Anyways, with this new place we plan on moving into together…yes the budget will be tight. My man ( or supposed man. Whatever. Things are still a bit rocky) says he won’t be able to afford to drink, and to make ends meet he may have to take extra jobs. So yeah. I want to help keep things afloat. But like I said many times, London doesn’t hire natives. So I got to think of another way of making income, besides my art. Which sells the odd time. It’s not stable income. I was thinking of being a surveyer. Actually I made an attempt, but that wasn’t working. As I was trying to fill out a survey, my daughter would swat at my cell phone and close the survey. So perhaps being a surveyer with a squirmy baby with energy isn’t the thing for me.
My man suggested a home business. Refurbishing hardwood furniture, and even painting art on them. Maybe, but even that will take time to get the ball rolling.
So I was thinking, another way would be to get paid to write. Either I can get paid to continue to blog. This could be the last one here, and I could start a new domain, a continuation, where subscribers pay, or donate. Not sure how things work business wise on WordPress… but I’ll look into it.
Or… The continuation will come in the form of a book that maybe I could sell on Amazon. I published a book before, on Lulu, and yeah. I don’t make anything off it.
Either way, this may be the last blog post here.
I enjoy writing, so yeah. It’s worth a shot.
And maybe, just like my son, change scares me. I have lived in this house for 5 years, and now I have no choice but to leave. I got comfortable and cozy here, but it is unsafe, and it’s a health hazzard. So yeah. It’s another one of those times where I leap into the unknown. But if I hadn’t leaped before, I wouldn’t have come across the New School of Colour, and that place provided me with a wonderful healing experience. So yeah, good things could be coming if I take another leap.
Soon it will be; Good bye EOA!, and hello to a new beginning. -Pooks
Split
Things have been rocky lately. Obviously. If I’m not writing or creating art, somethings wrong.
To get to the point, I broke up with “my man” or whatever the fuck you want to call him.
I’m tired of arguing every weekend over the same shit repeatedly. It’s like that quote says; Don’t apologize, then continue making the same mistake. Ya know? Actions speak louder than words. You’re not fuckin sorry. I am just seen as some kind of doormat that isn’t taken seriously unless I dump your ass and kick you out. Yeah, and once I do that, suddenly his bahavior changes. Now he’ll start doing what I’ve asked him to do.
All I wanted was him to be a man and be the father that he is to our daughter. But no, alcohol and everything else was a priority. I’m sure cleaning can be put on hold for 15 -20 minutes so he can bond with his daughter. Get to know her. But no. He would drink past his limit, and say he can’t hold our daughter. Or… He’d clean and clean the house. Even shit that wasn’t necessary. Like sorting copper in the basement. After awhile, all I see is a coward that neglects his daughter.
Right now he’s spending time with her. AFTER I fuckin dump him. Typical. Seems to be the thing most men do.
But yeah, we’re done. I know this is just temporary, and if I take him back, shit will return to the same bullshit.
Anyways, our relationship isn’t really much these days anyways. He acts more like a roommate then anything. So yeah, makes me think that he was just interested in my home and nothing else. K. Maybe my home and sex. But since I haven’t seen this great father he claims to be, forget that shit! I mean he claims he was such a good “father” to his younger brother and sister. Really? Did you neglect them as much as you do our daughter?
But yeah, that’s another thing. Maybe he’s doubting our daughter is even his. His older sister did make a remark to him saying: “How could you be so stupid? She doesn’t even look like you!” That’s his sister whom is also a C.A.S worker. Maybe she should keep her profession at work. Ya know? Being a professional home wrecker and all. I don’t know how people can be proud of that occupation. You got to be sick and twisted taking pride in tearing families apart. I wouldn’t be able to do it. But I guess it makes them feel so powerful and godly. Yup. Sick and twisted people out there.
Anyways, back to my issue. Alcohol seems to be a reaccuring thing. He drinks to relax, he drinks because he’s stressed, to have fun, and the lamest excuse yet;… because a woman at a gas pump frustrated him. Seriously?? Let’s make everything a reason.
He says “I knew about his drinking problem from the beginning.” Yup. I knew. It was stupid of me to think he would kick alcohol to the curb, just because he said he would for his child’s sake. He said February was his month to cut down, and he’d stop when the baby arrive. Well…he’s still drinking. Not only that but he sneaks to drink behind my back, and he lies to me. Freakin telling me it was 2, but no he’s moved up to 4. “Oh you have no idea how stressful my job is.” Really?? Your dad isn’t using that as an excuse. Apparently he was able to quit alcohol successfully AND he works in the same job field, construction! So yeah, everything that comes out of my now ex man’s mouth is a freakin excuse.
Another thing, he sends his ex a Facebook message. If he hates her sooooo much, what the fuck?? He says he did it because she said called him a dead beat, and he’d make nothing of himself when they broke up. So why does he value her opinion? Or what she thinks? And why does he keep bringing his past up? He says he’s over her, but…Yeah. Let’s contact the ex. Maybe because he said she bugged him for sex all the time, and I won’t bother to put out.
Yet that was one of the reasons I liked him, he said he didn’t need it all the time. Yet he has bugged me for sex again and again. Funny how that changed. I can go a long time without it.
Speaking of exes. He says I compare him a lot to my ex. Maybe I do. They both were molested as children. They both were abandoned by thier mothers at some point in their lives.They both claim to have “raised” thier younger siblings. As for the drinking shit, it’s like everything is on repeat. Same bullshit. Except my “now ex” man doesn’t go out partying. He just drinks more regularly and avoids us (our daughter and I) like a plague. My ex avoided his responsibility too when my son was a baby, and wasn’t really there either for our daughter as a baby. What a coincidence?! Even though my now ex man is under the same roof, he’s not really present either.
So yeah…pretty much the same shit. In it for the sex, but when its time to step up to the consequences of your actions, like a freakin baby!!, he’s too damn busy with everything else.
So yeah, I don’t really get breaks. His dad baby-sat once, but other than that. I’m busting my ass. And clearly that isn’t enough. My now ex man expects me to take care of the baby, and do housework. As a breastfeeding and bottle feeding mom, sometimes I feel pinned to the couch feeding for hours. I’m lucky to get one chore done in a day. I’m lucky if I can even do any self care for crying out loud, such as a shower. But yeah, he’s not really that involved, and couldn’t comprehend the struggle.
Anyways, he’s packing his stuff. I want him out. But knowing my luck, he will probably pull the same shit as my ex, and take my daughter with him. C.A.S seems to favor the white men.
What else? Maybe it’s too much stress and pressure building up. Ontario Works…First Nations Housing Co-Op..
If I move to this new place with him, I’m no longer eligible for OW. We will struggle, especially if he continues to drink. As for First Nations Housing Co-Op, my subsidy has been terminated. Rent will be going up. And yeah, this place isn’t worth being charged the extra. Technically, we shouldn’t even be in this house. I mean with the asbestos in the basement. It’s a health risk. Not to mention other things like the structural integrity of the stairway floor joist. Basically my livingroom floor can clasp in on itself if too much weight is put onto it. Half of my home isn’t even insulated. So on and so forth.
So yeah, if we were still together we would be moving into another house in June or July. But since I can’t picture myself tolerating anymore of this drinking and neglect shit, we’ll just have to find our own homes separately. Meaning, it’s probably back to London Housing for me. Get myself and our baby on a waiting list. It’s a step backwards, but better than living in house that should be condemned, and staying in a relationship that ceases to exist anymore.
Funny because it would have been our 1 year Anniversary on the 21st. So we didn’t even last a year.
Sorry I knew what I wanted in a relationship, and he couldn’t live up to it. Sorry I thought he was capable of things he isn’t, obviously. I think I have had it with men. Here’s to celibasy! Turns out women are more “manly”, and do have “the balls” so to speak. Men are just cowardly pussies thinking with thier penis.They can’t handle half the shit women go through. Heck! They’re scared of a little baby for crying out loud! Not to forget that they can’t handle a little baby vomit, pee, or poo.
I can’t remember who said it, but yeah, if you can’t handle baby vomit, don’t have kids.
So yeah, no point in getting another Depo shot in 3 months. Love is temporary and doesn’t last, like all things. It’s just a mental phase or illusion that comes with more pain.
I’m done fighting about the same shit. If he wants to keep alcohol in his life, he can have it. I am out. – Pooks
“It’s like a switch, clickin’ off in my head. Turns the hot light off and the cool one on, and all of a sudden there’s peace.” – Tennessee Williams on alcoholism
New Adventures Await
Once again, been awhile since I posted.
Anyways, on Good Friday, March 25th, 2016 at 1:15pm, I gave birth to a little girl. Since we already had names chosen, that would mean, Lily Adelaide King Wuytenburg made her grand entrance to the world. She weighed 10 lbs and 11ozs. So far, the biggest of all my babies I gave birth to. So was not expecting that, especially after my last ultrasound when the lady said my baby was only 7 lbs.
Anyways, I had a lot of support with me during and after my delivery. So thank you to my man, my bestie, my doula, Dr. Thompson and Dr Rahman. Thank you to friends and family that came to visit us at the hospital. You all made this experience a positive one. Especially those in the delivery room with me. Your support and encouragement was and is still appreciated.
All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©
However, I am not impressed with Victoria Hospital, because once again, C.A.S was called, and for a stupid reason at that. Just because “they were involved in my past”.
So when the worker showed up at our home, I just spoke to her at the door because we weren’t told CAS was called, and we weren’t expecting any company. I don’t let anyone in if I am not expecting a visitor. Most people make arrangements before hand, it’s just the respectful thing to do. Supposedly she claims she called and emailed in advance, but nope. I checked.
Another date was set for her to visit, and my man spoke to her that day. Clearly that wasn’t enough, they want to speak to me directly. So yet another appointment has been scheduled.
When she came to visit again, my man took some time off work to be there and support me, and the visit didn’t turn out as bad as I had assumed it would be. I guess with all my past experience with C.A.S, I dreaded the worst. But turns out, it went rather well. My man and are not a concern, our file was closed, and the worker said she’d file a complaint on whomever from Victoria Hospital that called C.A.S on us for wasting her time.
Anyways, I just took a family members advice. This is a happy moment in my life, and I’m not going to let anyone spoil it for me. So nyeh! 😛 Lol Clearly it worked.
So yeah, been pretty busy with a newborn. Introducing her to people, friends of my man. He’s so proud.
One of these past weekends we went on our first family trip together. We went to visit my man’s mom, and a whole bunch of other family members. All together, there was 22 of us at this reunion. It was awesome. I just wish I could have been more active without hurting myself. I was still recuperating from giving birth. Regardless, I thoroughly enjoyed the nature walk, even though I may have pushed myself too hard to keep up. So yeah, after that, I was grounded. Lol I had to take it easy for the remainder of our stay.
However, it was nice to see my eldest daughter be more social this time around and having fun. She loved the trampoline. Thank my ex for letting us bring her along.
We got to meet my man’s Aunt from Alberta, and his 80 year old grandfather. They were cool.
Also, it was funny how my man’s and I’s daughter was the same size as her cousin. He’s 3 or 4 months old, and our daughter was just over a week old.
Anyways, on our way back home, the weather was insane. My man said he was under a lot of stress getting us home safely, even his hands were shaking. I mean, the roads were barely visible, they were covered in snow. But I think my man did a good job, both driving and not showing how truly stressed he was. He managed to get my eldest daughter home to her Dad safely as promised, and we got home safely as well.
It wasn’t until after that we realized just how lucky we were. I guess we just missed a huge accident on the 401. A 20 car pile up. So thank our lucky stars we weren’t in that, and hopefully those that were weren’t seriously injured.
What else? Just been settling in at home with our baby. My man has returned to work, and I am trying to stay on top of appointments and other responsibilities. However, with a newborn, yeah. A lot of my time is spoken for. She comes first.
We’ve been getting a lot of gifts and cards from family for our daughter. Thank them all for their help. I mean, we started out with barely any clothes for her, and now she’s got quite the wardrobe. Plus other baby items, toys, etc. So I couldn’t be anymore grateful. My man’s family, on both his mother’s side, and his father’s side have been amazing.
What else? The Twitter Art Exhibit’s opening reception in New York was on March 31st, and by the looks of it, it was a success. Within 2 hours they raised over $7000 for Foster Pride.
Anyways, the show runs until April 21st.
The painting I donated was a portrait of my boyfriend. I called it ” Portrait of a Carpenter.” So if you’re in New York City, check it out at the Trygve Lie Gallery.
Anyways, what else? Up with Art is quickly approaching, which will be at the Palace Theatre on April 23rd here in London, ON. Looking forward to that event. This year I will be there with my man and 2 daughters. So yeah, it will be awesome! To buy your tickets or bid on any art in advance, go to… http://www.upwithart.ca.
I haven’t returned to the New School of Colour yet. However, we just gotten a stroller not too long ago from my man’s sister. So it is possible. But I would rather wait until it is warmer, and for when my daughter is a bit bigger and settled in. We are slowly creating a routine. Kinda hard with a newborn, but yeah. I finally got her sleeping at night. At first, she was quite the night owl, but then I discovered that classical music helps her sleep.
My eldest daughter was over last weekend, and I wish I could have been more fun. But yeah, my hands have been tied with a newborn. Hopefully my eldest daughter remains patient. Ya know? Soon the baby will become mobile and things will become fun again. New adventures wait to be had.
I am feeling extremely grateful to be given the chance to be a full time parent again. And I’m grateful to have all the support that I do these days. My man, friends and family. Parenting with support, it makes a huge difference.
Anyways, quite a bit has been going on, but yeah. Feel like I’m writing against a timer. Lol Baby will wake up any moment. So yeah, I’ll leave it at that for now. Thank you for reading! Much love – Pooks.
” Build me up and I with you. For we are more one than two”
– Deborah Day
No Focal Point
I haven’t posted for a bit. No worries, I’m okay. I’m pretty much just waiting around to go into labour. For the last week or so, that’s all I have been hearing lately, even from complete strangers; “Any day now.”
Since my last post, I had 2 regular check up appointments. Last week, was rather painful. I think it should be mandatory that doctors trim their nails before measuring a cervix. As for yesterday, it went a lot better. However my current doctor that is following my pregnancy wanted to induce me right then and there, but at the time, I had my daughter in my care. And yeah, that would have just made things kinda chaotic. Even though my ex, my man, and I all discussed that if I were to go into labour while my daughter was over, the plan was to text or call the ex telling him to meet us at the hospital.
It’s kind of a relief that we can communicate between the 3 of us as co-parents. I mean, this past weekend I did get a bit emotional regarding my visits. I was upset that my ex is usually late, and when my man said he could pick up my daughter and then couldn’t. I just broke down feeling like I was the only one that cared about my visits. But that’s not true. My man had to work on Saturday, and he was offered some money afterwards if he helped someone move. He thought he’d be done in time, but clearly wasn’t. He kinda bit more than he could chew trying to be a super human. Turns out the guy he was helping out hasn’t even started to pack or whatever, and my man was expecting things to be ready to move when in fact they weren’t.
As for my ex, he usually has to wait around until he can find someone to watch over our son. He doesn’t trust leaving our son alone at home unattended, especially since our son has been stealing from his own father lately. He would take food, coffee, smokes, money, and whatever else to give to one of his buddies, whom probably pass that on to their parents. They really need to get out of that complex, it’s having a negative influence.
Anyways, it can take hours before my ex finds someone to watch our son and his unit.
So yeah, let that go. They both know how I feel about my visits. And that I’d appreciate it if we tried to stick to our agreement which is to have our daughter here by 2pm. Or close to it. Not 8pm. There goes majority of my time.
The reason I just say my daughter, is because my son still has no interest in coming over. We thought that maybe it could be that there is a lot of changes happening all at once, and he does not handle change well. Mom’s new boyfriend, Mom’s pregnant, Mom’s boyfriend moving in, Homeschooling, Etc. But according to my daughter, she told me over the weekend that my son hates me over something that happened in the past. A long time ago. Yeah well, that’s the past. I am no longer there, and if he’s going to bring random shit up and dwell, then that’s his problem.
It wasn’t easy being a single mom, with their dad in jail, trying to cope with my sons psychotic tantrums. Heck, I even called C.A.S on myself because I didn’t know what to do. He was dangerous at the time to have around his baby sister. Throwing things like dresser drawers down the stairs, and even a desk. Had his sister been crawling by, she would’ve been seriously injured. I can’t remember how many times I had to replace that baby gate. But yeah, he definitely didn’t handle a new sibling in the house very well.
As I confessed before, I spanked him once trying to get him to snap out of it, and never again. Ever since, I ask for consent to even hug my kids. It’s a good thing he wasn’t raised in the 80’s. Heck, I don’t know anyone my age that hasn’t been spanked by hand, or with a spoon, or belt. So considering, kids these days are quite pampered and shouldn’t complain. Nowadays, parents got to think of alternative ways to discipline. So yeah, compared to my upbringing, he’s being a bitch and complaining about pussy ass shit. Excuse the language, but it’s true.
Besides that, he seemed less interested in coming over when my man and I became more strict with the video and computer games anyways. Thanks. Nothing like making mom feel like I’m not the one he came to visit, he came to visit a piece of junk. And as my daughter tells me, that’s all he does at home, he plays on his tablet.
I read an article not too long ago regarding children and video games. How it interferes with the development of the brain, especially the frontal lobe. So yeah. It can cause learning disabilities, and anger issues. And as I discovered from trying to teach my son at home, he’s more behind than we think. I mean, we were getting ready to start him over from grade 1 if we had to.
But whatever. My ex thinks video games are beneficial or whatever. But some day our son will see just how much time in his life he wasted staring at a screen. He could be spending time with family, making friends, learning or doing more productive things, so on and so forth. Ya know? He’s missing his whole damn childhood.
But yeah. Like my man’s mother says, regarding homeschooling, our son will be tested by the school board, and we’ll see if he’s actually doing anything. Or learning anything. If not, I’m sure C.A.S will be called. Just what my ex was running from in the first place.
My ex did say he was thinking about pulling our daughter out of school too, because he is against vaccines. But after some research, those vaccines are mandatory otherwise your child cannot attend school. It would be unwise to pull out another child of ours out of school, especially since she’s doing so well. Take her out, and all she has is her surrounding environment as an influence. A ghetto complex. For a girl, that can lead to prostitution. I’m sure my ex wants better for his little girl. So swallow your pride, get her to take the vaccines wither you like it or not. She has dreams of becoming a baker, that’s better than a hooker. Keep her in school and maybe she can make that dream of hers a reality.
Other than all that…we celebrated Easter early this past weekend because I can go into labour “any day now”. My due date is actually during the Easter holidays. So we’ll see. When the baby comes, the baby comes. They have their own schedule. Lol
But yeah, my man did a superb job setting things up for our little Easter get together. He put my daughters and my sons Easter basket together. He set up an Easter egg hunt for my daughter, and even cooked an Easter dinner. It was my first time trying Rabbit. Which turned out pretty good actually. For some reason I thought rabbit would be a dark meat, but no, it’s white meat. And kinda tastes like chicken. Just a little blander.
I haven’t been working on any art lately. Even though my Doula thinks it would be cool if I painted something to be my focal point for when I give birth. Ya know? Something with an inspiring message that will help get me through the contractions.
I don’t know. I find myself extremely tired lately, an exhaustion that naps during the day can’t even suffice. Maybe it’s the rapid weight gain, or maybe my body is just trying to rest now, and conserve energy for when I do go into labour. It’s like an endless fatigue. At first I thought it was an iron deficiency, since I had forgotten to take my iron pills for awhile. But now that’s back into a routine, and I’m still exhausted. But yeah, my body is doing a number of things getting ready for the baby. So that’s what I’m thinking. Soon, I just don’t know when exactly.
Hopefully I have this baby before April 1st. As I mentioned before, there is a huge family gathering happening that day, and it would be nice to bring the baby. My man’s mom sounds so cute when she calls, all anxious for this baby to arrive. She recommends I get induced the next time the opportunity arrives.
According to my doctor, if I don’t go into labour by the 31st, an appointment will be scheduled for me to be induced. By then it will be too late. So hopefully this baby comes soon, or by its due date, the 26th.
Over the weekend I met a friend of my man’s, and the woman she was with is a photographer. Anyways, She offered to do maternity pics, or New born pics. But I have another photographer in mind that I wouldn’t mind helping getting her work out there. Platinum Phoenix Photography, I’ve been an acquaintance and fan of this photographer for awhile. She used to be a friend, until my supposed foster sister got all possessive and told me to stay away from her and her friends. So yeah, we don’t hang out, but I follow and support her work.
So yeah, my plan is to get some portraits done of my man and I’s baby, and mail some photos out to family members and close friends, and of coarse get the photographer’s work out there via. social media as my thank you.
What else? A friend of ours says he wants us to go out and do things this summer with him. Ya know? Baseball games, air shows, just eventful stuff and chill. So we’ll see.
I think it’ll be a good Spring/ Summer. My man is fixing up the yard. It just looks better and better. I might have grass this year, instead of a jungle. That would be awesome!
Every year I say I’m going to go to the Sifton Bog, but this year… Yes, I am going to go to the Sifton Bog damn it! I am determined!! Haha!
Uhh… might not make it down to see my relatives up north this year, maybe next year. They too want to meet the baby. That’s cool, but yeah. Traveling takes planning and finances. This year we are hoping to see my man’s 80 year old grandfather while he’s in the province. So going to see him and other family members is a lot closer than Red Lake, Ontario. It might take awhile before we can get up there. But my Aunt is excited and can’t wait to show my man all her favorite fishing spots. Lol My family likes him already, and they haven’t even met yet. 🙂
Overall things are good. Even though there is always that concern for my son in the back of my mind.
And as for this baby… I want it to come already, and then there’s another part of me that is like; No. Stay in there a little longer! Ya know? Because I remember hours and hours of contractions. It had been 7 years since I’ve done this labour thing. Lol I might not be as strong as I used to be.
That reminds me, the friend of my man’s that we met with the photographer, she was like; “aren’t you promiscuous?” Umm… not really. Like I said. It’s been 7 years since I gave birth. 5 years between dating. I was seeing someone in 2011, and haven’t dated again until I met my man for the 3rd or 4th time. During that 5 year gap, I shot a lot of men down. Might have had one one night stand in there during a drunken Halloween. But other than that, I was focused on me, my art, and my children. If that’s promiscuous, then wow. The standards of promiscuity clearly have changed. Haha!
I admit, when my man and I got together we were like 2 rabbits in the Spring time. Just completely enthralled by one another. Lol
I’m still crazy about him, but in a more meaningful kind of way. Like I said before, I think this baby has brought us closer together.
And soon, our baby will be here… Peace and Love – Pooks
“No one’s family is normal. Normalcy is a lie invented by advertising agencies to make the rest of us feel inferior.”
– Claire Lazebnik
All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©
Out of Balance
I guess once again I am writing 2 blogs in a week.
I didn’t make it to the New School of Colour yesterday, and maybe I should have went. But being pregnant and all, I listen to my body. If I feel like I need to desperately take a nap, I’ll nap. And that’s what happened. I had planned to go, but by the time 4:30pm rolled around, I was out like a light.
Anyways, it seems like during my absence an artist is trying to dominate the program. Making it all about her. She seems to have a habit of doing that. So if someone isn’t there to keep things fair between the artists, she clearly gets her way. And our new facilitator is being a bit of a door mat, and just let’s her.
The issue, this artist has her own art space where she works and displays her art. Well, now she has taken up more space. A table a friend of mine worked at has been removed to display even more of this artist’s work. And not only that, but she also has her work alone, on display on the wall upstairs at The Ark. Maybe I was mistaken, but I thought it was to be 2 artists at a time on display upstairs. So excuse me if I find this one particular artist not only being selfish, but greedy.
There is more than one artist involved in the New School of Colour. It isn’t fair to other artists if this one artist is only putting the spotlight on her own work, and not anyone else’s.
Like my friend said, “it’s the New School of Colour, Not Thorn N’ Thistle.” The brand name or supposed personal art and crafts company this artist likes to go under.
The facilitator, instead of standing up with my friend and fellow artist, just told her it’s “everyone’s space” when she saw her working station has been removed. Well then, tell that to the artist that is clearly being selfish for the limelight. IT’S EVERYONE’S SPACE!! I mean, the corner I work in hasn’t been touched, nor would it be. Why? Because Pooks is a respected artist. But clearly my friend whom was also a member of the New School of Colour, longer than I have ever been, doesn’t get the same amount of respect. Her art gets thrown in a box, and her station is removed to display this other artists work. What makes this other artist more special than anyone else?
Part of the reason I loved the New School of Colour was the diversity. The diversity of people, and the diversity of art. It never used to center around one artist. We treated eachother equal. Regardless if we got along or not. I mean, no we’re not ALL friends. But we shared the same goal, to create. And just by that alone, we respected eachother. Well, clearly that is falling apart. Because this artist and her friend don’t really respect any of the other artists apparently.
If I had my way, I would do my best to keep things fair. Every artist gets thier time in the limelight. I love all thier work. Heck, I sure as hell wouldn’t be just displaying my own work only. I’m not like that. I put others before myself. My work is rarely on display upstairs, and I don’t mind. I have my own ways of getting my art out there, not all the artists have that advantage and I know that.
So yeah, needless to say I am not impressed with what I am hearing is happening at the New School of Colour. Ya know? We’ve lost lots of artists that don’t attend anymore after the change of facilitators. And now we might lose another artist because one artist is only thinking of themselves.
If she wants the limelight so bad, than why not do another solo exhibition at EVAC like she’s done before? She did it once, she can do it again.
The point is, the New School of Colour is made up of several people, not just one person alone.
Sure I may draw in attention. But maybe that’s because of the amount of impact the program has had my life. It saved mine.
Not only that, I worked my ass off getting my alias name out there. Not with just art, but social media, and my writing. Heck, this blog has even made Pooks into a reality. If I didn’t have the support that I do, thank you all, Pooks would not be.
Did I ever have to sink to levels such as taking over the New School of Colour for attention? No. Instead, I am grateful for the program, and have always tried to give back to the New School of Colour and the Ark Aid Street Mission through my art. 10% of the proceeds that my art sells for goes back to The Ark or New School. I don’t mind. My art has never been about the money, unlike this other artist that is being an issue. My art has always been about expression. My personal healing. That’s what I use it for.
So it might be awhile before I return to the New School of Colour, since I can go into labour any day now. But I swear, if this nonsense doesn’t get straightened out before my return, than yeah, I will step up and bring balance back to the New School of Colour. All the artists deserve to be acknowledged as a whole. – Pooks
Precious Flower
I guess it’s time for this week’s blog post eh?
I’ll start with some failed drama that I found rather amusing. When was it? Last Friday? Yeah, anyways, I had gotten some crazy private messages on Facebook from a woman I don’t even know. So who is she? Turns out shes a friends mother, and this friend visits me and my partner at least once a week. I don’t mind. It gives my man his man time, because for the remainder of the week, there’s just me, him, and 3 female shiatsu’s. So he’s surrounded by estrogen. Haha!
Anyways, the messages were pretty outrageous. But then again, my partner has been very open with me, and has told me of her before. He met her years ago at Pathways. She’s basically a cougar that has a thing for him. And as far as these messages go, she was attempting to start shit. Saying that my man was spreading rumours of having a threesome with her. Umm… She wishes. What else? Because my man’s ex stole something from her, I’m not welcome to her home and not trusted. Umm… okay? First off, I’m not his ex, or anything like her. His ex sounds psychotic and kinda butchy. But whatever. No loss there. I don’t really know this woman that was apparently trolling my Facebook, and probably noticed whom I am in a relationship with. So yeah, I think she’s just jealous. Can’t blame her, I do have a sexy man. Haha!
He was worried this drama would effect our relationship, but nope. I reassured him that I believe in him, and what he tells me is the truth. Plus he’s told me numerous times how he feels about dating older people, he doesn’t agree with it. Sure, I am older, by 3 years, but we’re both in our 30’s. He’s not interested in someone that is old enough to be his mother basically. Lol So yeah. So not stressing over that. I just found it amusing how she thought trolling my Facebook and sending me messages would possibly change things. I mean she even said something along the lines that my man better not go crying to her when I break up with him. As far as I’m aware, we’re about to have a baby together, and we’re both on the same page of making our relationship work.
Anyways, I showed the messages she had sent me to my man, and to her son. Both of them were just like; wow, what the the fuck? Her son advised me to block her, saying I don’t need that bullshit, especially being 9 months pregnant. So I did. Poof! She’s gone from harassing the Pooks. Communication is key. 😉
So yeah. Once again, another woman that can’t respect a couples relationship. Smh.
On to other things. According to the doctor at my last appointment, I could be going into labour any day now. For the most part I feel ready. I mean, I’ve been meeting up with a doula, and has been giving me some ideas of things to do during contractions. Things I’ve never tried before, and could make the birth go more smoothly. Before I was just kinda on my back with my legs spread during the whole labour, focused on my doctors instructions. This time could be a little different. Plus, since it’s my man’s first time ever experiencing child birth, having a doula there for support can come in handy for him too. To help him calm down if he gets anxious, overwhelmed, or freaks out. Lol
I had an ultrasound yesterday, and once again our baby kept it’s legs closed. Modest, and stubborn little thing. Lol Anyways, the lady that was giving me the ultrasound said that she isn’t 100% sure, but she thinks we’re having a girl. ❤
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I’m kinda jumping all over the place. Umm… over the weekend my daughter was over. She gave me some belated valentine’s cards that she made. My favorite is the minion.
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My man even took us to the Kinsmen Fanshawe Sugar Bush. We got to go on a horse buggy ride tour. I was impressed with the volunteers there. They knew their stuff, and even brought up some Ojibwe heritage/ history, which I found quite respectful. So yeah, needless to say, I was thoroughly impressed to see they did their research. Not only that, but I noticed that some of the proceeds they make through donations go to supporting the Ark Aid Street Mission. Yaaaay!! It’s like a family outing that is giving back to muh peeps! 🙂
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My daughter was a little rude to my man afterwards. That whole step dad thing. He tried to give her souvenirs from the Kinsmen Fanshawe Sugar Bush. But she rejected it.
She opened up and said her dad had a step dad, and he wasn’t a good man. Well no he wasn’t. He was a pedophile. But not all step parents are bad people.
So yeah, clearly still got some work to do.
It was my idea to go to the Sugar Bush to do something together. So that maybe my kids ( or in this case, just my daughter) can get to know my man better. It was a good attempt, but yeah. Things are still a bit bumpy. Normally my man keeps himself busy over the weekend with chores and whatnot, while I have my visit.
With Spring and Summer around the corner, that might get us out of the house more and doing things together more often. Gradually of coarse, because we’ll have a baby with us.
That’s another thing. I haven’t been to the New School of Colour for a couple weeks now. However I may make an attempt this evening. Fingers crossed that I don’t go into labour while I’m out and about. Haha! But yeah, I was talking to the facilitator via text messages, and I was surprised that he would be willing to try to get the New School of Colour hours changed so that they better fit my schedule after my baby is born. So rather than having evening sessions, possibly switching to afternoon sessions. I was also surprised by how welcomed my baby is. I mean, I’ve overheard artists in the past talk about children attending the Ark Aid Street Mission location of the New School of Colour, and they weren’t too fond of the idea. So it did have me concerned about me bringing in a baby, which can be more chaotic than 3 little girls. But yeah, it’s cool to see I have support from a place I cherish. He said it’s actually expected that I bring my baby. So yeah, how awesome is that?! My baby will be surrounded by creativity. ❤
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Anyways, what else? My man gets to be the boss so to speak for the next two weeks at work. That’s so awesome that he’s being trusted with such a huge responsibility. Kinda weird in a way too, because now the tables have turned, and it’s his dad asking him what to do. Not that long ago it was the other way around. So yeah, I’m very proud of my man. He’s doing amazing. 🙂
Anyways, that’s enough blogging for today. I’m going to miss hugging my belly, but soon I’ll be hugging my baby.
This pregnancy has been very pleasant. I’m relaxed, and happy. I think I have my partner to thank for that. I’m not all insecure. How can I be when my man compliments me everyday? I am always reassured that I am his precious flower. Lol I used to call myself a flower whenever I wore dresses, which is really rare. And if I got rained on, I would rant and say “I AM NOT A FLOWER! ” Lol Silliness.
Anyways, thanks for reading! Much love- Pooks
In Other News…
In other news…
I completed my painting for Up with Art. Thanks to Sylvia Langer for being so understanding and allowing me to submit my registration form and painting early. The submission deadline is just 2 days apart from my baby’s due date. So I am grateful that she came to my home and picked up the painting, and allowing me to email my registration form.
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She even came by with another surprise. I have been kinda cooped up indoors because my feet and ankles swell up, and I can’t squeeze my feet into my boots. I had shoes, but they were falling apart. So yeah, I was surprised by her kindness and generosity to help me out. While she picked up my painting, she gave me a pair of runners. I couldn’t slide them on at first, but after loosening the laces, I can actually get out and about again. FREEDOM!! J/k Haha!
So yeah, Pooks will once again be apart of the Up with Art exhibition/ fundraiser. Yaaaay!!
I’ve also been told that children can get in free. So that means…my baby is covered, and so is my daughter if a visit lands on that particular Saturday. I think she will like the event if she does go. And since artists get to invite one guest, once again I will be bringing my man.
So now that I’m done my Up with Art painting, next I will be working on something for the Framing of the Phoenix Art Exhibition.
What else? Family will be happy to be aware that another ultrasound of the baby has been scheduled for next week. So maybe we will find out the sex of the baby after all. Even though that is not the reasoning behind the ultrasound. My doctor wants to double check on their measurement of the baby, as it seems to be getting kinda large.
However, my doula brought it to my attention that perhaps the reason why the baby could be big is because maybe I could be due sooner. That could be possible. Not all estimated due dates are 100% accurate.
I had a dream this morning, that my baby was already born, and it was a boy. It could be wrong. But yeah, got to love dreams while you’re pregnant. They seem so real.
I remember my doula asking if I notice anything different about this pregnancy compared to the other 2. Yep. I don’t recall my feet swelling as often late in the pregnancy. I get more indigestion with this one. And it seems like I’m constantly put on antibiotics for a bladder infection. But yeah. Considering how many times I’ve been put on antibiotics, I am hoping it hasn’t had any effect on my baby.
Wat else? Visits with my daughter have been going well. I was surprised she even cleaned her room. She’s been such a good girl. I know I haven’t been able to be that active lately. So I’m glad we can find other things to do, such as play board games. She always kicks my butt at monopoly, even the Junior version. Haha!
Congrats to a good friend of mine that has finally moved out of a building she’s been trying to get out of for the last 8 years. I haven’t been able to visit her new place yet, but hopefully soon I can. I know she will be busy with school starting this month. But yeah, will have to arrange a visit. It’s so weird going from having her just living on the other end of the bridge, to another end of the city. But in order to keep a good friendship maintained, an effort must be made.
I haven’t been to the New School of Colour for a week. As for today, there’s a snow storm warning in effect. So I probably won’t make it today either. Hopefully tomorrow. Even though I noticed that I get more done at home than I do at the New School of Colour lately. It seems like someone always wants to talk. Which kinda takes my focus away from my art.
Speaking of tomorrow, I have an appointment at the hospital. Some kind of assessment needs to be done because of my rheumatoid arthritis. It hasn’t given me any problems during labor before. So I don’t see why the staff keep bringing up the epidural. I refuse to take a huge ass needle in the spine. I can only see that making my arthritis worse in my back. So no, arthritis or no arthritis. No epidural! I can normally tolerate the pain of my arthritis without any medication. So I guess you can say I have a high pain tolerance.
So yeah, things are going to get more busy this month, the closer I get to the baby’s due date. Even my regular check ups will now be every week, instead of every 2 weeks.
I think that’s pretty much it. 3 weeks and 4 days to go, and our baby will be here!!
Oh! My man started a new job last week, and he gets to use a company truck. I’m so proud of him. He had quite a few job offers. So yeah, it’s pretty awesome his hard work is getting some recognition.
Another thing. We might have to save up to visit his mother, and other family members in April. His grandfather will be there. And yeah, it would be awesome if we make it there with the baby. My man says I would love it there. His mother lives on a property surrounded by nature. So fingers crossed! Let’s hope we can make the trip! We may have to rent a vehicle.
Anyways, that’s enough blogging for one day. 2 posts should be enough. Lol Thanks for reading. Peace and Love – Pooks
“Of course I can do this. I’m pregnant, not brain-damaged. My condition doesn’t change my personality.”
– Christine Feehan
Because you’re Native
So I was going through the documents my doctor gave me, to give to the hospital in case I pop early.
Needless to say that I am not impressed with the way they worded things. Such as “denies” substance abuse in current pregnancy??? Wtf? I don’t do drugs period, besides the antibiotics they shove down throat. Yeah, I used to smoke weed, but I kicked that to the curb without a problem when I found out I was pregnant with my eldest son. 10- 11 YEARS AGO!!! I don’t do fuckin drugs period. Ughhhhhhhh….
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It also says to monitor me for any indications to involve them (C.A.S) in current pregnancy.
A) The reason CAS got involved in the first place was because a doctor accused me of being on crack when I actually had mastitis. And rather then doing their job, Dr. Lee settled for his assumption.
B) CAS remained involved because of MY EX and the domestic abuse. But yeah, CAS, specifically Lara Downing, fucked up on that one, and thinks it’s safer to have my children with the man that assaulted their mother, than their mother. Make any sense?? Oh that’s right, I opened up with the truth that my ex was in my home when he wasn’t supposed to be due to a restraining order. I guess that would have been too much work for her to have to start from scratch. But what does she expect from a domestic abuse case? Yeah, I was lying on his behalf. Because he supposedly loved me, and was the only person that cared for me. Everybody else was just trying to tear our family apart. That’s the kind of shit a victim of abuse gets brainwashed with. Anyways, out of spite, this lazy immature worker did everything in her power to have my kids placed with my ex. Congrats! She succeeded, and now schools wonder why they have so many problems with my eldest son. Smh. Oh yeah, and since my ex was around when he wasn’t supposed to be, that whole cleanliness bullshit that got pinned on me only, that’s on him too. That’s the fuckin truth.
Society and all these organizations are fuckin retarded!
Correction. Not retarded. That’s not the word. I know some peeps may find that word offensive. But yeah… perhaps bias, prejudice, racist, ignorant, so on and so forth, are better words to use.
Heck! Even my biological cousin shares this perspective from her own experience. She said: ” Automatic substance abuser. Because you’re native. I get labeled immediately as well, even when I was pregnant.”
So yeah. Welcome to the life of a native. Isn’t that fuckin bullshit or what?
Not all natives are substance abusers. Many of my generation learned by the example of our elders. Not all of them. But yeah, there are those trying to drown their traumatic experiences from Residential Schools. The torture and genocide of our people and culture. Sure those times may be over, not entirely obviously, but clearly our elders still suffer internally from those memories. I imagine it would be like how a soldier would suffer PTSD after returning from war. People having to live with seeing or experiencing inhumane shit that is to be kept “confidential.”
Anyways… that’s enough for this post. I will post another regarding other aspects of my life, either later on today or in the week. Thank you for reading my occasional rant. Peace and love – Pooks
“…racist thought and action says far more about the person they come from than the person they are directed at.”
– Chris Crutcher
Focus on the Positive
As you may have noticed from my last post, I almost gave this up. As in this blogging thing. Instead, I think I will try to be more careful on what I write about. Sure, I can handle the judgment. But when I think of my children, my family, and how it could be impacting their lives….Putting a spotlight on myself is one thing. But my kids? To the point, they’re being followed by strangers in public?? It may or not be because of this blog. But if it is… Yeah. I can change that by not sharing every little detail.
Yeah I was stressed about my son being home schooled. But I realize that I cannot be putting myself under that kind of stress, especially while I’m pregnant, worrying over something I have no control over. The Thames Valley School Board gave the approval, and I will just have to trust my ex that he will do his best for our sons sake.
I was impressed to hear that my ex is trying to get our son out into social settings. Yeah, there will come a time when our son will have to interact with the outside world. No matter how uncomfortable that is for an introvert.
I haven’t seen my son for about a month now. He’s stopped wanting to come over since he can’t take no for an answer, let alone handle any form of discipline. All the gifts he’s been given have been temporarily stored away since he’s been so ungrateful. Ya know? We’re just trying to teach gratitude. All he has to do is say thank you once in awhile. A thank you can go a long ways.
And since he rarely visits these days, it just makes sense to convert his room into the baby’s room. The baby will be here 24/7. My daughter rarely misses visits. So she’s here on most weekends. She can keep her room. If and when my eldest son ever decides to visit, he is more than welcome to sleep on the couch.
Anyways, I decided I’m not going to stress over my sons behavior, attitude, or nonsense. He’s got some growing up to do. And I’ll just give that time. I have bigger things to focus on. Such as the baby on the way.
Maybe my son just needs a wake up call when it comes to reality. Time to get his head out of video games, and prepare him for the shit that society has in store. That way it won’t come as a big shock. And hopefully his father can provide that for him. Yes, as we “grow up”, adults have expectations and responsibilities. There’s no escaping that. Especially if you want to survive. A person will need to learn to take care of themselves, and be resourceful.
Not to mention, maybe this one on one time with his father can be beneficial. They used to butt heads, and their relationship was kinda rocky in the past. Maybe the time spent together, bonding, is just what he needs.
Over the weekend my ex said they walked home together from the theatre. That’s awesome. Not only does it get our son out and about, but it gives our son that quality time that perhaps he desperately needs. Especially from his father figure.
So yeah, I’m not going to stress or judge. But have faith that my ex can get our son back on track, unlike the school system, that pretty much just gave up on him.
For a couple of weeks my man was feeling down when it comes to my children. I mean, my sons sudden change of attitude. He went from liking my partner, to just shutting him out. Then my daughter saying that she doesn’t consider my man as part of the family. Yeah, that hurt him. He was asking himself, why does he even bother trying? But I’m here for him. We’ll get through this. I guess this kind of stuff is to be expected when it comes to step parents. So yeah, I’m grateful he hasn’t given up. One day they’ll see why mommy loves him. He has been amazing towards me, and my children. Even if they can’t see it. I don’t think every man would put his girlfriend, and her children ( that aren’t his) as a priority over themselves. So yeah, that’s special. ❤
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Anyways, I had a good weekend with our daughter. She loves coming over. We baked 2 cakes, played board games, watched movies, blew bubbles, and of coarse she played with her favorite puppy in the world, Chewie. Those 2 are like best buds. It’s cute.
In other news, I have met up with a Doula twice so far. She’s been really helpful so far when it comes to preparing for the birth of my baby. We’ve come up with a birth plan, and are putting together questions for my doctor. I’m starting to feel more prepared the closer I get to my due date. She’s even giving me alternative ideas of things or positions to try during contractions. As well as tips of exercises that can help the baby get into the proper position so that it won’t be breech, and it will be ready when the time comes. She’s been very informative. So yeah, glad to have her as my doula.
What else? Art. I just got confirmation a while back that the mini portrait of my man has arrived to New York. That’s a relief. I was starting to worry that it had gotten lost in the mail. All that hard work!! But nope, they got it! And my art will be in the Twitter Art Exhibit in NEW YORK!! It’s my third time participating, and donating my art for charity. I couldn’t be more proud!
Next up, Up with Art. I am almost done my painting for that event. Proceeds go to the Unity Project for relief of homelessness for men, women and youth. Having family members out there that are homeless, and having experienced it myself in the past, Homelessness and poverty are strong issues that I will do what I can to make a difference. In this case, art, which will help raise funds for a local shelter, that helps people get back on their feet so to speak.
I will need to print out some registration forms at a library one of these days. Especially if I plan to participate in other upcoming art exhibitions, such as The Framing of the Phoenix and London Pride. So yeah, busy busy. There is also the Healing Palette, but I believe that is later on in the year. Not to forget that I have a commission piece to do for some peeps in the family.
So yeah, Pooks is still going strong. Waddle or no waddle. Haha! I am still working hard getting my alias name out there! Bwahahaha! Thanks for reading. Peace and love – Pooks
“To change ourselves effectively, we first had to change our perceptions.”
– Stephen R. Covey
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